trying to convince myself that this is enough. furthermore, the one that you really want may not be there for you to get
so instead of wasting time hankering after them, why not settle for something you can already have at the tip of ur fingers?
time's not on our side too anyway. what if you stay true to your dreams and wait it out, only to find no one that fits your description of your dreams?

i should be happy. to have someone readily volunteering to care for me and be there for me when i need him
but as usual, with every guy, i look at their flaws.
and i see whether i can live with those flaws. i tried to overlook the flaws.
cuz they say if you really like someone, you'll overlook their flaws right.
but most of the time, i simply cant.
and thats probably the reason why i'm still alone. hahha. cynical old woman that refuses to accept just anyone.

arrgh. i just dont know anymore. i think i tend to overanalyze everything until i am on the brink of insanity.
every girl wants to finally meet her tall, dashing, and charming prince.
so its not a sin to secretly wish to meet someone like that who's interested in plain old me too right

i'm not saying i judge people by their height, looks and charm.
i'm just saying i cant seem to find anyone attractive and single enough.
and the people i "find" are just.. umm.
i think its a lot to do with me seeing others with their bfs and wondering why on earth they chose them. like what are they thinking right!
told you i was cynical. haha of cuz i dont say that out loud. love is blind after all.

i try telling myself to wait it out. someday your prince will come.
and everyday, the chance of that ever happening diminishes.
and every now and then, ok maybe only four times, someone not so princey comes along
and they're so nice you don't know how to tell them no u're simply interested in being friends.

so you dont tell them.
and they presume that since you're quiet, everything's okay. and you don't mind.
that person who invented the sentence silence means consent should be shot. no offence. lol.

i mean like, when i say nice, they ARE nice. decent chaps i must say.
but you cant just like every mr nice can you. or maybe its me.
maybe i just dont do nice guys.
or maybe once guys tell me or hint to me how they feel, i back off.
i dunno. history is repeating itself. and i already had a hard time back then.
i am being friendly. and nice back to them. maybe my niceness is misintepreted. so i should stop being so friendly and nice to guys.

blaaargh. i'm having a terrible headache thinking of so much things and having to finish up assignments and study for my psychometrics paper at the same time.
told p2 about it and she told me not to read too much into it.
but i'm sure if she were me, she would agree too.
usually a girl's instinct is always right.
and i know i'm right. just trying to live in denial for the time being.

i mean, i'm just suspecting. but then again, the things he does is too obvious at times.
like how he would make time just to meet me.
lets say for dinner. like go to school 5 hours early while i'm still having classes just so as to meet me for dinner.
waaaad.
i used to wish that people would make time for me out of their busy schedule.
to show that they do really care enough to do that.
and now this comes and bite me in the ass.
now i have someone who's willing to make time out for me no matter what.
everything's perfect.
just that i wish that someone is someone else.
though i know of cuz wishing that is stupid.
cuz that can never happen. not in reality, practically speaking.
maybe i'll find more flaws and not like him too after spending time with him.
haha typical me.
maybe i'm the sort of person that only likes guys she cant have. like how i tend to like goodlooking guys who obviously wouldnt want to have anything to do with me.
like utt.
oops did i just say that out loud. arhha. but well, yea.
so those that are too easy prey are cast away with a single glance.
ahh. bloody black widow approaching. beware.

but one thing's for sure, the connection was there with that one i was thinkin about.
and i'm still waiting to feel that kind of connection again.
problem is, i dont feel it with this someone. so HOW?

sometimes i think my expectations are too high. so much so that every guy that comes along is a straight no.
but i cant help it.
i just only like this one type of guy. the ones with the x factor. lol
like a friend of mine that says she analyzes every guy that walks past her, i analyze guys that are closer to me in that sense too.
i might find you cute. i might be friendly with you. or i might even be attracted to you. but that doesnt mean that i LIKE and WANNA BE with you.
everytime i envision myself being with that someone, i just cant envision further. if you get what i mean.

some say we shouldnt be leading guys on.
if we dont like them, just tell them so.
but HOW TO is the question. wouldnt that damage whatever friendship you had before this?
wouldnt it be super awkward after that?
its not that i want to give guys the wrong impression. but somehow they always tend to think i'm showing interest. i should change my name to frosty from now on.
don't talk to me. i bite.
i used to envy the girls that every guy is hankering after. those with loads of suitors.
thinking back, i don't envy them now. it is really hard especially when you're not interested in them and don't wanna hurt them.
its funny thinking of me as someone who specializes in hurting guys. haaaa

and the funny thing was, when i was spending time with that someone (as a pal), things he said just made me think of someone else.
so i was basically thinking of someone else when i was with him.
which is not a good sign. you know that from any magazine. or common sense too of cuz.
that just confirmed my feelings about the whole thing.
i mean, i did reallllly try to step back and try liking that person.
i tried to see how caring he was. how helpful he was. blah.
but if i have to try so hard, this is not how its supposed to be right.
what happened to the fireworks, heart stopping and blood rushing to your face emotions?
maybe i read too many novels but isnt that how its supposed to be?
i mean like, if i have to try to like him, i cant be interested in him right?
and there's always the danger with me.
i might not really like the person, but like the idea of having someone there.
so while the person is fully devoted (ok exaggerated) to me, i'm just saying i'll get used to having him there.
doesnt that sound pathetic?
cuz i might be tired of being alone and just want someone to be there for me. and so i'll just let things go on just for the sake of me not wanting to be alone.
ok that sounds self-centered. and mean. and horrible. oh crap

arrgh this is so crappy.
and i should be typing my assignment and not this. o.0

ps: post not to flaunt about how i get suitors.
more like post to vent out everything and pen down my thoughts and clear my mind so to speak.
i hate my life.
but no, i'm not depressed. yet.
and no, i'm not revealing any identities here. guess if you must. =)