anyway, was at home the WHOLE day yesterday typing irritating reports and howard came to talk to me.. thats the whole point of this entry actually. howard. he was my classmate when we were in tpj tog.. not that close but still on talking terms.. anyway, apparently he's facing problems with the affairs of the heart. poor him. anyway he was asking me things abt my bdae thingy and me, being kaypoh, asked him whether he and zm were tog.. coz the last time we had the class outing, he seemed really close to her and there were rumours spreading like wild fire around... so i thought why not just ask the guy in person. and so i did.

and he replied by sighing and asked if i was free. free for a long story apparently. it turned out that love is not as simple as it looks aint it.. yes he likes her. but he's not sure if she likes him. but there's more to that than the public eye cant see.. love aint just love. there's defense mechanisms.. pain.. confusion.. potions.. all added into it. it just brings to mind the usual phrase "to be loved is a blessing, while to love is an agony"

although i wish i to say to all those ppl out there who are loved by someone, to treasure this love. not everyone gets to be loved so dearly. and it is indeed a blessing to be able to experience it. but i know its difficult to put into action what one can say. i mean, its easy to say that 'ya, i knw he likes me. i will cherish this.' but what if i dont like that person? how on earth am i going to cherish this? and that goes to the 2nd part of the phrase, it IS an agony to love. be it whether the other party reciprocates, love is painful. acute agony if i must say. if the receiver of this love accepts this love willingly and reciprocates, there is also much nurturing to be done. it is like a seed thats growing.. water it with care everyday and it will bloom. leave and neglect it for a while, and it withers.. and thats still if the love is reciprocated u knw.. what if its a one-sided affair? isnt it going to be 10X more painful than it already is? u like A but A dont like u. so all u can do is sit back and pretend that u dont feel anything for A. and just constantly care for A, hoping that A will notice. and worse still, if A likes someone else, all u can do is force a smile and accept it. becoz why? if u confess to A, A and u might not even be friends anymore. things might even be awkward between u 2. stupid right? yes, love is a stupid, silly thing that leaves everyone intoxicated, be it high, or with a hangover.

nothing is more painful than seeing the one you love end up with some one else. imagine having to force everything down and give them your blessings.. after all, one will be happy just by seeing the one he loves being happy right? ha ha ha. sorry but i'm sceptical about that. i dont think i can EVER be happy seeing the one i love being happy without me. there. sue me.

and no, i have not been thinking about this a lot.

anyway, i hereby wish u success in chasing zm, howard! i know its an agony, but if u truly love her, someday, im sure she'll be able to feel it. as u've said, there's an improvement already right.. so.. all the best!