from the title, one could guess that its a romance novel, with mr darcy, the main character of pride and prejudice and the main lady character of course.. but whats different about this story is that it depicts mr darcy as someone that she would NOT wanna end up with. stange huh.

initially the pages were filled with the main character saying how mr darcy is her childhood crush, seeing as how he is always so broody, charming, arrogant blahblahblah.. okay wait let me quote "composed, dark irises with tiny flecks of grey, sharp silhouette of cheekbone, proud arch of nose, strong confident mouth.." okay u get the picture. she described him as if he had the words 'i am the sexiest man u have ever seen written on his forehead." well, all these we know, thats how elizabeth bennent fell for him in the end too right, tho having thought he was a pig at first for finding her just tolerable .

anyway, as i was saying, the main character suddenly gets to meet the real life mr darcy that seems to be living in the past. something like 'kate & leopold' if you ask me. and at first she's super stunned and confused (me). but then she got to know more about him and found out that in fact, his broodiness and proudness were more of aloofness, and moodiness. so in fact, what she had imagined him to be was totally not what he turned out to be. okay he still was as charming as ever, opening doors for her and stuff, being the gentleman. but he didnt have much of a sense of a humour, and he was a SEXIST. mind u. thats bad enough. anyway, it was the last part that got me thinking..

and then it hits me. i'm not in love with Mr Darcy. Not even remotely. and you know what? i never was. i was in love with the idea of him & what he represented, but not the reality. of course that doesn't mean i'm not attracted to him, who wouldn't be? But how can anything live up to the airbrushed vision i've created in my head all these years? He cant. Becoz thats the thing about Mr Darcy -- he's a female fantasy. But thats all he is, a fantasy.

because we have conjured up the image of the perfect gentleman, our prince charming for each of us, we are going to be greatly crushed when the guy that we THOUGHT was perfect turned out to be not so perfect after all.. do we really know what we want after all? to me, in the past, i wouldnt mind someone who's broody & charming.. now i still wont. but as i've said, i'm not sure what i want anymore.. perhaps its just fantasy that i've been dwelling in so far? is it time for a splash of ice water on me to wake me into reality?

life's a puzzle.